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Thursday, April 14th, 2005
5:54 pm - The last post.
Kt talked to me about the post, and I belive I need to clarify some things.

1. the post was directed at a select few (I am adding names so those who are feeling threatened won't.... This was mainly written with the inhabitants of Davids basement in mind) who represent a larger scale of individuals who don't do anything with their lives in high school.

It was not meant to attack everyone, so I am going to pick this apart so people understand what I am saying.

Most of them don't get life in general. Most, not all, but most high schooler's don't. Its we haven't been living on our own. We are dependent on our parents, and when we become financially independent, our outlook changes completely.

Theres such a big world out here, and it seems that the kids I hung out with just didn't see it. To me, it seemed that the majority of the converstaions I have held in the past year centered around what was going on in our high school lives. Not all converstaions, but most. To me, this demonstrates that we are focused more on the immediate than the future.
That was why this followed: Maybe they're too wrapped up in the now, and not looking at the possibility of the future. Its not about whats in front of your face, whats more important is what is beyond that. There was this big circle that we were stuck in.

And it seemed to revolve around David's moods or the happenings in his life. And I don't want to rat on anyone, but it just seemed like nothing INTELLIGENT went on. No intellectually stimulating conversations (except with Chris, KT, or Maggie), and nothing politically intelligent was going on either (just pointless conversations about the stupidity of the Pres.) This was directed at the inhabitants of Davids basement. Part of the lack of coversatin was due to the fact that I didn't hang out with kids that DID have intellectual conversations.

I just wish I had spent my time differently now. This is because I do.

As to some other factors.
I guess this might just be me, but when I wanted to act mature, I did. I guess, from what I understand, people aren't like that. and that some people CAN'T act mature because their brains are not developed enough.

Highschoolers aren't as mature as college students by no fault of their own.

Part of not looking at things from a broader view is that highschoolers don't have to. They're dependent on their parents... so all they really DO have to be concerned with is what is going on in high school.

Again: Most of this was directed at people who can't handle their problems responsibly and/or people who are too wrapped up in their own lives to think about the future.

**** I want to tell KT, Allison, Maggie, and I am sure that there are more that I am forgetting: I did not address any of this towards you.

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Wednesday, April 13th, 2005
2:03 am - Retrospection... Life's ok.
These are my thoughts from today. They aren't directed at everyone, but at some. And mainly, this is so that I can figure things out for myself and get them out of my head.

My self-confidence has gone up so much since I left. And I am so much more self-assured. I feel more intelligent, and I recognize my self-worth. Hell, I feel PRETTY every once in awhile. My stress levels are down, and I am happy to be alive. I laugh and socialize and smile for most of the day. I don't know exactly what its from, but I think most of it centers around me leaving.

Part of the positive change is separating myself from people who aren't good for me. I've basically stopped talking to a lot of my friends who just pulled me down. There are much fewer depressed people in college. And when there are, I just deal with them less. I'm surrounding myself with people who are actually good people. And they're REAL. There seems to be much less pretense. (i.e. They don't talk about how cool swords are, or how they LIKE knives, they talk about how they fight with them, or when they've had to use them.)People may be drifting, or struggling with life in general, but they handle it in more mature ways. because they handle things maturely, I think it inadvertently rubs off on me. Also, the friends that I've made go out and DO things... they don't just sit around and do nothing. I'm getting involved, and having ACTIVE fun. Spending so much time at Davids was unhealthy for me, even before his and my relationship started deteriorating. It wasn't healthy for me because I wasn't doing anything constructive while I was over there. And it was killing my relationship with my parents love Nate and his crowd, too ... but I got in so much trouble for hanging out with them because I was out so late. Even though I had FUN with them, it wasn't worth the trouble it caused for me.

Part of positive change was separating myself from my parents. We really didn't get along. And the fact that my dad, who I had always been really close with, didn't talk to me for about three months tore me apart inside. I didn't feel like I could fix the relationship because they wanted things from me that I thought were unfair. We didn't see eye to eye, and we couldn't communicate constructively. I was never home. I was always at David's, or with the boys. It was unhealthy for me to be in the house because when I was, we were always fighting. I didn't think I was a bad kid because I didn't smoke, do drugs, or get drunk, and I got good grades. They didn't think I was a good kid because I didn't get home on time, eat with the family, or help around the house.

Part of it is finding an amazing guy who cares about me a lot. I am attracted to him, and I think that he deserves way better. But he cares about me, and sees me, and tells me that I am something special. He calls me just to say hi, or tell me something about his day. He calls me beautiful, and makes me feel like it. It is so completely different from David, who had basically been my only serious relationship. Andy treats me well all the time, and appreciates me, which is really important in a relationship.

I feel like such an outsider with the old Hopkins crowd. Maybe its for the best. They just... don't get it? I don't know. Shit happened. They don't want to think about it and don't have to because I'm not around. Thats not my problem, though. I just worry about them getting hurt. Especially from David. He's a wonderful person when hes getting what he wants from you. I'm just worried about someone else getting emotionally abused. I just wish people were more like Chris, who recognizes him as a liar, but are friends with him regardless. I just don't think that most people see it. And I don't want Maddie or Sarah to get hurt (emotionally is what I'm concerned about). Sigh. I guess I can't really do anything about it. Its not my place. I need to back off. I'm trying to stay out of everything. And its actually working fairly well.

Most of them don't get life in general. Shit happens. Accept it and move on. Life goes on. Theres such a big world out here, and it seems that the kids I hung out with just didn't see it. Maybe they're too wrapped up in the now, and not looking at the possibility of the future. Its not about whats in front of your face, whats more important is what is beyond that. There was this big circle that we were stuck in. And it seemed to revolve around David's moods or the happenings in his life. And I don't want to rat on anyone, but it just seemed like nothing INTELLIGENT went on. No intellectually stimulating conversations (except with Chris, KT, or Maggie), and nothing politically intelligent was going on either (just pointless conversations about the stupidity of the Pres.). We could have had them. But I guess people were too wrapped up in other things, or too busy talking about the immediate, trivial things going on, or just too busy staring at a computer screen. Gah. I just wish I had spent my time differently now. I just look at them, and see them, and it makes me wonder how they will survive on their own in the real world. I watch, and I can almost see their lives spiraling down the drain. I don't see a goal, or dream that any of them posses. I don't know why. Maybe I'm missing it. Maybe I've grown too far apart to see it. I just don't know what will happen to them. And that worries me.

Maybe I've grown up, and they haven't.
Or maybe hanging around older kids has made them seem younger. I realize that this whole thing makes me seem arrogant, but thats not the way I mean to come off. I'm just looking at the differences I see between people, and its shocking.

In retrospect, I was screwing my self over these past two years. I'm glad I am out.

Thats it. Thats all I've got.
I'm not completely happy with life now, either. But its so much better than before. Healthier. happier. I like that I am alive. And I enjoy getting up, and I actually have things to look forward too.
I just wish the people that I care about can find something that works for them.

current mood: worn out. Vulnerable. Tired.

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Thursday, March 24th, 2005
1:26 am
I had a good day.

Wyman decided to play Toss-the-Leah with his friends... and me. Eventually, we played hacky sac. With a bunch of people.

I spiked Scotts hair. And now my hands smell like Elmers glue. I laughed.

It was a beautiful day out. That made me smile.

KT sent me funny quotes from her APEuro project. They made me grin.

Sam was being intellectual. It was good to think abstractly again.

Maggie was speaking beautiful french to me, and making me feel loved. Very very loved.
(Je t'aime, ma chere. Merci, merci beaucoup.)

Andy called me. He gave me lots of kisses. And made me feel appreciated.

They all made my night, and put me in a wonderful mood. Thanks.

Have wonderful nights, and sweet dreams.

"Still I think I'm doin' fine
Wouldn't it be a lovely headline
Life is Beautiful on a New York Times"

current mood: content

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Wednesday, March 23rd, 2005
10:57 am
I wrote. I wrote and I wrote and I cried. I sobbed until there were no tears left.
Pages and pages of emotion. Of dead feelings. Of betrayal.
Pages filled with confusion. Laced with hate. Dusted with tears. Ending with grief.

"With all my said unsaids"...

The letters I wrote him, but never sent that outlined my earlier pain. Nothing compared to now.

Emails and AIM conversations from then and now. Filled with lies and
love, interwined with truth. Impossible to separate. Now they are
filled with withdrawal from me and "my lies."

Diary entries. I started to rip. But he was and always will be part of
my past. He happened. And I cannot ignore it. Leave them. A mistake to
learn from. Resignation.

Music formed a soundtrack for my sorrow. Lyrics floated through my head, serenading me in my dispair.

"All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade..." "Remember when Remember when Remember when we were all so beautiful..." "Aren't you tired of being weak. Such rage that I could scream all the stars right out of the sky, And destroy the prettiest starry night. Every evening that I die... Live. Love. Burn. Die..." "I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget..." "Need you like water in my lungs. This is the end..."

Sweet Disasters....

So things are not the same. Cut all loss and walk away. What was said is done. so independence comes. and there is none the like, No more lonely souls. under changing leaves. and no more weary wrecks. Seeking harmony. while waiting for their rest. So choice is. always free. granted nothing is but sure. Death won't set us free. Nor will misery. when we fear those worlds. We fear that we'll erode. quickly with no control. I won't lay sick and sorely. with my soul uneasy.The ground beneath me. is hollow, breaking up. and cracking to swallow me whole. When we get cut. it's so good to know that. sweet disasters. are just as precious. We fall down. to kiss. the ground. and live to love and lose. All is well if all fails. At least we'll know the truth

Slice Paper Wrists...

When you read this I will not be the same.
I have let my true form show. this is my last, lost in all my guilt. for letting you fall, understand it wasn't me. but I can't dream without showing intentions as I ask these questions.
where were you? now I can't see through your eyes. I remember the day the sun went out. It halted all progression with all its beauty. it just sacrificed. we fell apart. Sincerely yours I've disowned you [x3]. Sincerely yours I've disowned us

I am a pinprick of light on the open field. Surround by the night and nothing else. Alone. Facing all my pain.

Burnt. My recorded anguish falls to the ground. All thats left is ashes for the wind to discard at will.

I walk back under the stars. Climb into bed. Drift off to sleep. Content.

"I see my world crumble and fall, before my eyes. I know, I know. Dark
will turn to light, in time I'll be alright. I know, I know...

current mood: calm

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Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005
6:34 pm

 A living nightmare, asleep but still aware.
The endless torture.
I grasp myself.
Trying to regain control.
I experience and learn.
In another faction of my mind.
So confused.
But everything makes perfect sense.
Can't feel the pain.
Emotional pain's so much deadlier.
Lost, you've just been raped.
Pain. Your friends can't help you.
Why wont they help you? Another reality.
This can't be happening.
Why is this happening?
Who the fuck are you?
Who the fuck. Are you?-
avenged sevenfold :art of illusion:

This whole subject needs to be dropped. I can't move on and heal when everyone keeps talking about it with me. You can't help me.  No, it can't be ignored and blah blah blah. But I am dealing with it in my own way. So unless I bring it up, don't talk to me about it.

Thank you.

current mood: sad

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12:14 am
My hands are trembling. My breathing doesn't seem to be steady. I called him. "It was a misunderstanding, sweety."[he fucking called me sweety...]"You were alseep.""You said yes." He believes this. He honestly doesn't think anything happened. How could he twist it so much? Why is is doing this? How can he even think that? Silent tears stream down my cheeks.
What did I do to deserves this? NOTHING. I must have done something? No. There is no excuse. I want to blame it on someone. The divorce? Drugs? Kate not wanting him? No. No. No. This is his fault and his alone. He needs to take responsibility. He is the only one to blame. As for miscommunication- there was no way I could have been misunderstood.
My breathing is normal once again. I am numb. Quiet rage. Killing calm.

I hate him.

I'm getting to the point where I almost don't care who belives me or not anymore.
I think I understand and thats what matters.

I have never said no to the kid. I have always given him everything he has wanted. He cheated on Sarah with me. He cheated on Kelly with me. And I am ashamed because I let him. But that doesn't change anything now.
He is not loyal to his girlfriends, and therefore doesn't understand why I would be loyal to Andy.
I have never told him no. I have always done everything that he wants of me. I always was there for him in whatever way he needed me. I didn't understand what the consequence would be.

I said no this time. And he didn't stop.
Its because he never thought that I would say no. He didn't think it would happen. So he ignored it. He has always gotten what he wanted from me. Why would this time be different? So he blocked it out. He has warped it in his mind so that he sees himself as doing nothing wrong. He thinks that I wanted him till the very end. He is fucked up and needs help. Where is the David that I loved for four years?
Maybe I'm way off. But I can't see any other explanation.

He admitted that he did it to his mom and Sarah. Now he denies that it ever happened. I think he finally is realizing that his actions have consequences. Severe ones. And he doesn't want to own up and face them.

I am sorry if you don't believe me.
I am sorry if this whole thing has hurt you in any way.
Chris said:
BlackRabbit005: then why r u doing this to him?
FireChild311: doing what?!
FireChild311: not talking to him?
BlackRabbit005: getting all his friends to hate him, making this whole ordeal, it COULDVE been just between you and him

I'm not trying to make anyone hate him. But people deserve to know the truth. Isn’t that what you are all about Chris? Being honest. Well I am. This is what David is. This is what hes done. This is who he has become. And I cannot forgive him for it.
So don’t hate David because of what I say. If you hate him, hate him because of what he’s done.
He fucked this up for himself.
And this can’t be just between two people. Because if it stays that way, then other people get hurt. And I couldn’t live with myself if someone else got hurt because I didn’t say anything.

I can't turn him in. I have no evidence. Sarah won't testify against him. Jeanne won't either. And they can't use internet convos as proof in court. I took at bath that night, and David has probably washed his sheets. I have no bruise marks. Nothing. That leaves no evidence. My word against his. Thats it. I don't want to have to tell my parents. And I don't want to make this more difficult than it already is.

I hate him. I am angry at myself. This is it. I am done. Done with this whole mess. He fucked me up. Literally and figuratively. Hah. But I am strong. Yeah, it hurts like a bitch. But I can and will move on.
I have Andy. God. I have so many people supporting me. They are helping me.
In all honesty, I am extremely upset that some of our mutual friends don't believe me. But screw them. I know what happened and that is what matters.

David, I hate you for what you have done to me.
This is it.
I am finished.
This subject is dead.

current mood: resigned

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Monday, March 21st, 2005
9:26 pm - Helplessness is the worst feeling in the world
I hate feeling helpless.

You know whats funny? The thing that I am most worried about is that this whole ordeal is going to mess up Andy's and my relationship. And I think that if that happened, that I really would hate him.

 Ben's driving up on Wednesday to see me for a couple of hours.

Jeanne hasn't emailed me back.

I don't know if I should turn him in or not.

I am confused. But more than confused, I am angry. But its a quiet angry. It scares me.

I really miss Andy.

current mood: angry

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12:25 pm
Spring Break Highlights:
Getting coloring books from Andy for my birthday.
Seeing Andy every day
Spending time with KT
Playing with Captain Jack
Getting a car that I can use this summer (a white 1996 Pontiac of some kind. white. v6 engine)
Watching Rocky Horror with KT, Ryan, and Andy, and falling asleep in Andy's arms
Getting from Andy's house to mine (takes about 20 min.) in 10, so that I was home on time.
Seeing Andy in a tux and listening to him play
Doing puzzles
Getting to drive a car
Seeing the theatre kiddies
Buying a prom dress
Not fighting ONCE with my parents
Slapping David (I know that sounds bitchy. But he deserved it. He deserves something much harsher than that. I regret not doing more. I am done with him. And if he ever touches me again, something bad will happen.)

I didn't get to see Ben at all though. And I wish I could have seen Maggie, Laura, Aaron, Erik, Ashley, and Christine for a bit longer.
It seems that I barely had time to catch my breath before I was off to do something else. I thought that I would have had more time during the day, but I really didn't.
It went by much to fast.

Not a good night last night. Terrible in fact. Part of my world collapsed.
But I am strong, and I will be fine. So, to those of you who know what the fuck I'm talking about-  don't worry about me.

Andy told me last night, "Don't worry about a thing, cause every little thing is gonna be alright." -Bob Marley
He's right. It will be.
I won't let this tear me apart. I won't let [him] hurt me anymore than [he] already has.
Plus I have wonderful people that I am surrounding myself with that are holding me up... Real Friends... The ones that love, help, and protect me. Thank you. Every one of you is amazing. I don't know what I would do without you.

current mood: vulnerable. upset. confused.

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Friday, March 11th, 2005
5:01 am - Fucked up Birthday thus far
My God.
I don't even know what to think. This night has been way crazy.
Everyone wanted me to take birthday shots. But I didn't want to, so they were all taking them for me. No one had chaser at the start. It was really bad. I left for a bit, and did homework, but they came and found me. Most of them were really fucking wasted. They were trying to convince me to take a shot or two, but I still wouldn't, so I got birthday spankings instead. 17 throughout the night. Tried to come back to my room, but my roommate was asleep and they kept banging at the door. It was quite comical actually. They had chaser when I came back down, and there were quite a few more people. But that meant they were taking more shots. Night just got crazier from there. Patrick had 8 shots of vodka, 92 proof in 1/2 hour. I thought we were going to have to take him to the hospital. But no, then he just wrote his WebCT response. Guys went out and smoked for a bit, and I wrote mine. Ben ended up telling me that he likes me. He just found out that I'm 17. He was so wasted he didn't care. (He's 23). So that was awkward. Graham and Ben (who're roommates now) got in a huge tickle/slapping fest, and Graham ended up on top of this other chica, Megan. Ben started bleeding from the mouth, and Graham ended up passed out on the floor. But then he woke up, and followed Colleen to her room, and we had to put him to bed again. Ben was wandering around the halls, so then we put him to bed. And then Patrick puked all over in the sink. And it was just a huge mess. Megan left, and the other guys I didn't know wandered out to smoke some weed somewhere.
It was awful.
But I'm not drunk. I smell like vodka. I was basically molested. I'm exhausted. I feel sick again.
And I am getting up in about and hour and a half because Andy is calling me.

Dammit. I just want to be home and be held.

current mood: anxious

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Thursday, March 10th, 2005
4:53 pm - Death

??Which colour of Death is yours??
brought to you by Quizilla


??Which colour of Death is yours??
brought to you by Quizilla

Its funny how I got two different answers the two different times I did it.

You hide behind The Shadow Mask, you don't like to
be in the spot light, you like to hide from
everybody and just be alone, you think you put
yourself in this position with your own will
but the truth is that people made you go there,
you don't trust people any more though inside
you there is a voice screaming to go out and
see the light, you look for some one who
understands the real you, some one loves you

What kind of masks you hide behind? (i added pix)
brought to you by Quizilla

I like the pictures. They're pretty.

current mood: blank

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Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
1:52 am
Who knows what to write.

I feel... numb.

What am I supposed to feel?
The echo and inscription of other emotions from past memories remains imprinted in my mind.
But now. Nothing.

"Pardon me while I burst into flames..."

current mood: numb

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Sunday, March 6th, 2005
11:33 pm - Sulking is BAD
Meant to go to bed an hour ago.
Andy calling to say goodnight + Listening to good music + talking to KT online = Improved Mood.

Was looking at the scrap book KT gave me, and it made me smile.
Andrea was talking about how big of a cutie Andy was (cause he called and talked to her for a bit).
Talked to my mom, who is really excited about seeing me this weekend.
Decided not to do homework until tomorrow morning. But I don't care because I am really tired. I think I'm getting sick. But its ok. Cause I can go to bed.
So excited for Andy... hes recording (probably) this Saturday with Invasive Species... for FREE at Music Tech. And thats awesome.

I am really really cold. And I am wearing four layers of clothing, two long-sleeved shirts, and 2 sweatshirts... oh. and a tank top. I look puffy. It makes me laugh.

Music makes me really happy. Along with KTs and Andys and Maggies (yeah for bowling picture!)

current mood: A bit sick. Cold. But smiley.

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9:39 pm
Weekend was amazing.

Went bowling with Andy, KT, and Maggie. It was SO INCREDIBLY fun. It was the most fun I'd had in a while.

My sister, Krista's, birthday party on Saturday. Stopped and said hi to Derek and David. Sarah was there too for a bit. I got to give her a BIG hug. Goldfinger later that night. Went with Andy, Max, Lisa, and Erik. It ROCKED. Got out, and was literally slippery with other peoples sweat. Reeked of smoke, as well. But its First Ave. What can you expect? Was well worth it, although there wasn't nearly enough skanking and too much moshing. Spent the night at Andy's. For his birthday present, I got him Dressed to Kill, by Eddie Izzard, so we were up until 2:00 watching that. Andy fell asleep for a while resting against me. I had the most content feeling ever just sitting there, holding him. I fell asleep, too, curled up next to him on the couch.

One of the Best feelings ever: Falling asleep and waking up, held by someone who you care for, and who cares for you, knowing you're safe.

Woke up. Ate breakfast, went to KT's. Got a ring from her, and three pages to add to my book. I love it so much. It makes me insanely happy. Hung out with Ben, who took me out to eat, and then to watch Heros (excellent filming. A bit dramatic, but intense). Andy came over again. Left to come back up to Morris. Got really tired in the car, but ended up having really good conversations with Ben. It was good.

Can't wait for next weekend. Then I'm back for Spring Break. But still depressed that I am back here. Just got done talking with Andy for the past hour. I miss him so so so much.
Going to go and watch Gladiator. Maybe that will pick up my mood? Probably not. But its a good movie anyways.

current mood: sulky

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Friday, March 4th, 2005
2:32 am - Parent Problems return once again
Slightly uneventful day.

I worked out a LOT. But it feels really good. My arms and shoulders hurt quite a bit. But I suppose thats good because it means that I am actually getting stronger. After working out this morning, my hands and arms were shaking while I was trying to eat. It was amusing.

It was a really gorgeous day out.

Class was boring. But it was local foods day on campus. So we had GOOD food to eat, and country/blue grass music to serenade us. It was Live as well. As a joke, people were swing dancing to it. It was hilarious. Played Boffers outside today. Wyman picked me up over his shoulder and ran around with me. Then dumped me in the snow. Everyone laughed really hard. Made a late night pizza run with too many people in the car. But I got shotty, so it was ok.

Talked to Andy on the phone earlier, and it made me really happy because I get to see him tomorrow.

Only downside of tonight was my parents. I have very few minutes left on my phone card. And I was trying to figure out what the plans were for the weekend by talking with my dad. I got impatient, and asked if he could IM me online, or call me back on my moms cell (which gets free long distance) because he was taking a long time to figure things out. But it pissed him off. So he hung up on me, and unplugged the phone at home. So when I tried calling back, it would just ring, and not even go to the answering machine, so I coudlnl't leave a message. I called his cell, and he didn't answer that either. I left a message for him on that, explaining why I was impatient. I thought things were getting better between us, but I guess not.
I really am quite upset, because I feel like I did something wrong, but I can't figure out WHAT exactly. And I have been trying really hard not to let them have a reason to be angry with me. I just don't know how to fix it. And I wish I did, because I am sick and tired of fighting with them.

Meant to go to bed early tonight. But I guess not. Oh well. It was a fun waste of time.
Quote of the night: "My tummys puffy" (I ate too much, and I was just sitting relaxing and scott poked me in the tummy, and randomly, I said that. Then people kept on saying it all night. It was amusing.)

"Pardon me while I burst into flames
I've had enough of this world
And it's people's mindless games"

current mood: worried

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Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005
10:57 pm
Well, my day certainly picked up.
Two of my profs canceled class.
I got to talk to Andy in the morning. TWICE. It made me so happy. I called him in the morning, before school, and we talked. And then he called me back and hour later just because he wanted to talk to me and tell me he missed me.

Had my first boxing lesson today. There are a couple of guys that are teaching me. They say fighting and sex are close to the same thing. So its now called pseudo-sex because I am a girl. Interesting. It actually is really fun though. I might develop some arm muscle now. Or at least faster reflexes. Going to go tomorrow again. I'm excited.

Then I made a Fruit Loop necklace. And played Killer Bunnies, the game. Aaron, who was being mute for the day, let me help him. I got to hold the card, roll the dice, and pick out which carrots we got. He did everything important. :). He couldn't talk, and was trying to act out things, and I fell off a table laughing because it was hilarious.

Had a really good phone conversation with Andy on the phone. And a really good one with Aaron on AIM. It was... productive. Oh. And I got somethings cleared up with Kate, which is good. She apologized for Ian, which I thought was really nice.

Thats all I got tonight.

So whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes"- Incubus

current mood: sore

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7:38 am
Posted this earlier this year. It seemed to fit right now as well. So I re post.

Distance. Makes things harder to catch when they're so far away. But am I expected to sit back and do nothing. Why is that when you are removed from the situation that people come crying? I don't understand whats going on, but I offer what little words of wisdom I can. Is is better to shut them out or let them in? Can a person listen to everything that goes on around them and still feel detached from life? Why don't people cry when they see the horrors that the worlds hands to us? Detachment. We suffer from reality. Never quite wanting to believe what is in front of the eyes. Separate yourself from what is going on around you and you may be able to squeeze a smile out of trembling lips. Looming in the back of the mind is always the pessimistic thought that will make you sink. Drowning. In this little world full of water, we can only live on land. How long until we are swallowed up into the shifting seas? How long until we sink into the core of the earth and rest at the feet of the unknown. Death. The consequence of live. How much will we pay? Was it worth living? Will we ever know... Maybe thoughts flow into peoples heads. Maybe life goes in circles, and death is only the begining of living. Or maybe not. Disease. Melts the skin off your bones, and the happiness from your mind. Life incinerates what is left over. Ashes scatter like thoughts. Dissolved. Tears stay bottled up underneath closed eyelids, seeping back in to hide from this world, gallantly trying to keep playing the role assagned to me at that start of all this. I am not your lover, and I am not your friend. Why bother? Dissatisfaction. Why try when failure is predestined, written in the cards, etched into my palms. Different. A peculiar way of examining the world means liar is stamped into your being, branded for pure emotion. Demand. Life will do what you want as long as you have the will to bend. But don't break.

current mood: drained

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1:07 am
Distressed. Upset. Discontent. Worried. Irritated. Aggravated. Shocked. Frustrated. Pissed off. Annoyed. Depressed. Stressed. Angry. Bitchy. Disappointed. Guilty.
Pondering. Thinking. Contemplating. Thoughtful.
Tired. Sleepy. Drained. Exhausted.



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Tuesday, March 1st, 2005
7:50 pm
10.1 I trust 4 people completely
10.2 Color crayons and coloring books make me happy
10.3 Kids, music-slash-concerts, and friends (this includes Andy) and my sisters are my favorite things
10.4 I go to college even though I am 16
10.5 My birthday is March 11th
10.6 my parents and I haven't gotten along well for the past two years
10.7 This summer, I get to work with little kids at parks and get paid for doing it!
10.8 I wear size 4 in converse shoes
10.9 I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the world named Andy who makes me happy
10.10 Rain makes me smile

9.1 be NICE. not only to me, but to everyone.
9.2 Know how to laugh
9.3 Have a good smile
9.4 treat me with respect
9.5 listen to good music
9.6 you should defiitely like to cuddle.
9.7 know who you are. being comfortable with yourself
9.8 Be physically appealing to me. Sorry, but its part of a relationship, as materialistic as it sounds.
9.9 like me for ME. not just for my body.

8.1 wallet
8.2 andy bracelet
8.3 gold ring
8.4 watch
8.5 hair binders
8.6 clothes
8.7 pens
8.8 lighter

7.1 ignorant people
7.2 bad drivers
7.3 drunk people who are really rude/ come-onish to me
7.4 when I realize that I am being a dramam queen
7.5 nail polish when it starts to chip off
7.6 my parents when they don't respect me
7.7 people who like me/ talk to me because they think I am hot and thats it.

6 PLACES I'VE VISITED... that have affected me the most
6.1 Europe (Greece, Italy, France, and then London in Endland)
6.2 Bosse's house
6.3 gravesites of dead friends
6.4 Andys arms
6.5 hospitals
6.6 cabin by the boundary waters

5.1 travel the world
5.2 get a tattoo
5.3 live somewhere besides the US
5.4 experience true love
5.5 take a detour and disappear for a week without telling anyone where I am going and just Go.

4.1 being helpless
4.2 getting stuck in an abusive relationship
4.3 not figuring out who I am
4.4 needles

3.1 Talk to Andy
3.2 Smile
3.3 Listen to music

2.1 complain about being here too much
2.2 I am trying not to stay up super late

1. Andy Myers

current mood: contemplative. confused. sick.

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12:34 am - My day... excluding the drama.
Well, let me see? How was my day?

Pretty good for the most part. Finished writing my paper this morning. THat was good.
Highlight was talking with Andy. I was stressed out that David was upset with me, and fighting with Chris which would in turn affect bunches of other people, so he told me jokes which were super funny and made me laugh alot.
I think I talked to him four times today. He makes me smile alot. And Ali had a picture posted in her LJ of him. It made me smile really big, too.

Its his birthday today. Seventeen. That seems so much older than sixteen and I don't know why. Anyways.

Colleen came over and we sadistically ate graham crackers after she read me a really dramatic pamphlet about being saved by Jesus. It was quite amusing.
Got invited to go the store, but there were a bunch of hyper guys going and I would have had to sit on a lap, and I really just didn't feel like it.
I think its time-to-be-horny-week for guys or something. Severally boys that aren't Andy have been hitting on me a LOT and they don't really know me well at all and its weird, and I don't like it. Honestly, all of a sudden all these guys seem to be really flirty and touchy feely. There are two that I haven't ever met who IMed me and were like, "I saw your pic and you looked hot." Its awkward.
I miss Andy.

Anyways. Finished the night by talking with KT. Its really good. I love talking to her.
I hope she and Sarah feel better.

Off to sleep. G'night.

current mood: mellow

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Monday, February 28th, 2005
11:35 pm - POST FOR: David, Chris, Kate, and Ian and me.
I am disappointed that people can't accept my opinion. I felt it better and more honest to get it out in the open rather than quietly suppress it. However, David has asked that I do that, and I don't see a reason not to respect his wishes.

So, this is mostly directed at Chris, David, Kate, and Ian, and me. This is the opportune time to practice two important qualities: being mature and learning tolerance. We can all have our own opinions and co-exist by respecting eachothers opinions and emotions and have our own at the same time.
We all care about David, and are friends with him. So lets keep that in mind and be polite to eachother, ok?

current mood: irritated

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